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How I Found Resilience as My Life Fell Apart | Jane Marie Chen | TED - Video học tiếng Anh
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How I Found Resilience as My Life Fell Apart | Jane Marie Chen | TED
How I Found Resilience as My Life Fell Apart | Jane Marie Chen | TED
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Phụ đề (174)
0:03
[This talk contains graphic language and descriptions of abuse]
0:08
Do you ever wonder who you are beyond your job, your titles,
0:13
your accomplishments?
0:15
This is the question I was forced to confront
0:17
when the company I'd spent a decade pouring my soul into shut down.
0:23
My work had been my entire identity,
0:26
and without it,
0:27
I didn't know who I was anymore.
0:30
Ten years earlier, I had co-founded Embrace,
0:33
a social enterprise that created a low-cost portable incubator
0:38
for premature babies in underserved communities.
0:41
Our technology could work without constant electricity,
0:44
making it usable in remote parts of the world.
0:48
We set an audacious goal: to save a million babies.
0:52
I moved to India,
0:54
where over 20 percent of all the world's premature babies are born,
0:57
and I made that mission my life.
1:01
Over the years, we saved thousands of babies.
1:03
Babies like Nathan,
1:05
who was abandoned on a street weighing just two and a half pounds.
1:09
He was rescued by an orphanage and kept inside our incubator for weeks.
1:14
He survived.
1:16
Seven months later,
1:17
I visited the orphanage and I held him in my arms.
1:22
A few months after that, he was adopted by a family in Chicago.
1:27
Stories like this kept me going.
1:30
Along the way, we were recognized by President Obama
1:33
and funded by Beyonce.
1:35
(Cheers)
1:36
(Laughter)
1:37
Our work was featured in headlines all over the world.
1:41
On the outside, it looked like a success story.
1:45
But the truth was, on the inside,
1:48
I felt like I was drowning in stress, exhaustion, self-doubt.
1:54
The work weighed so heavily on me,
1:56
there were moments I felt like I could barely breathe.
2:00
Ten years in,
2:01
after countless setbacks from manufacturing to distribution
2:05
to funding challenges,
2:07
we had to shut down the company.
2:09
I failed.
2:11
I hit the lowest point of my life.
2:13
I was having panic attacks, I was depressed, I couldn't sleep,
2:16
I felt completely broken in mind, body and spirit.
2:21
So I decided to set off on a healing journey.
2:25
I packed a surfboard and a suitcase,
2:27
and I bought a one-way ticket to Indonesia,
2:29
where I threw myself into healing
2:31
with the same intensity I'd once poured into my company.
2:34
I was willing to do anything because this was a matter of survival.
2:40
I was going to heal the shit out of myself.
2:42
(Laughter)
2:46
I meditated for days in silence in the jungle until I hallucinated.
2:51
Although I'm pretty sure those cockroaches on steroids were real.
2:55
(Laughter)
2:56
I did psychedelic journeys.
2:59
I dove with sharks so I could learn to relax.
3:03
I don't know why I couldn't just get a massage like a normal person.
3:06
(Laughter)
3:08
I burned holes in my leg for a frog poison ceremony.
3:11
It was supposed to purge my past.
3:14
Instead, I think I purged everything I'd ever eaten in my entire life.
3:18
(Laughter)
3:20
But the real breakthroughs came only when I began to confront my childhood.
3:25
Growing up, my father showed his love by pushing me to excel.
3:29
I remember in second grade, on weekend mornings,
3:32
I would cuddle with him
3:33
and he would warm my cold feet under his
3:35
as he quizzed me on my times tables.
3:39
Thanks to those drills,
3:40
I won all the math competitions in my class.
3:43
When I didn't meet his expectations,
3:46
I was punished.
3:48
Violently.
3:50
When I was 12 years old,
3:51
I came home from school one day and I decided to read my history book
3:54
on the front lawn.
3:56
It was a beautiful sunny day.
3:59
When my father came home and saw this, he flew into a rage.
4:03
He decided homework shouldn't be done on a lawn,
4:06
it should be done at a desk.
4:08
And so he beat me.
4:11
And he demanded that I apologize.
4:15
I refused because for the first time in my life,
4:17
I knew I had done nothing wrong.
4:20
I also knew I was utterly powerless.
4:24
As I did this healing work,
4:25
I finally connected the dots.
4:28
Feeling so powerless throughout my childhood
4:31
had driven me to help the most powerless people in the world.
4:35
My pain had become my purpose.
4:39
But it had also become my shadow.
4:41
No matter how many babies I saved or how much recognition I received,
4:45
I never felt like I was enough.
4:49
Sometimes our trauma gets channeled into drive,
4:53
perfectionism, overwork.
4:56
Some people numb their pain with substances.
4:59
I numbed mine with productivity.
5:02
I cared deeply about my work,
5:04
but I also believe that my worth depended on what I achieved.
5:11
I finally stopped trying to achieve my way out of pain.
5:15
Here's how I found my way back to myself.
5:19
First, I slowed down and I just let myself feel.
5:24
For most of my life, I had disconnected from my emotions to survive.
5:28
Research shows most of us do this.
5:30
We avoid painful emotions through working, drinking, social media
5:34
and other endless distractions.
5:37
But when we suppress our emotions, they don't go away.
5:40
They actually resurface more intensely,
5:43
often as anxiety, depression or burnout.
5:47
So I let myself feel it all.
5:50
I got really comfortable with being uncomfortable.
5:54
I sobbed until I had no more tears left.
5:58
I trembled with fear.
6:01
I raged with anger.
6:04
I learned you can't think your way out of pain.
6:06
You can't work your way out of it.
6:08
You have to feel your way through it.
6:12
Second, I learned to let go of outcomes.
6:15
Everything is constantly changing.
6:17
The only thing that is certain is uncertainty.
6:20
Nothing teaches me this lesson more viscerally
6:22
than being in the ocean,
6:24
where my conditions are changing moment to moment,
6:26
based on the winds, the tides, the swells.
6:29
Because of this, it's so important to be present
6:32
and to not be attached to anything, including outcomes.
6:36
I realized I'd become so attached to an outcome for Embrace
6:40
that I pushed past all my limits,
6:42
and when the company failed, it shattered my sense of self.
6:46
I now know I'm not defined by my external successes or failures.
6:51
It's who I am on the inside that truly matters.
6:55
Am I acting with love?
6:57
Am I growing?
6:58
Am I giving to others?
7:00
I can't control the waves, but I can choose how I want to ride them.
7:06
And lastly, I learned self-compassion.
7:09
I did this through recognizing all the different parts of myself.
7:14
The warrior who had fought every battle.
7:17
One of my exes nicknamed this part of me “Jane-ghis” Khan.
7:21
(Laughter)
7:23
The overachiever who had pushed me to work past exhaustion.
7:28
I discovered the part they were protecting,
7:32
the little girl inside me
7:34
who was so scared that she wasn't enough.
7:39
For so long, I wanted everyone else to show her that she was worthy.
7:44
It never worked.
7:46
So I finally turned towards her
7:49
and I finally said the things that she had always needed to hear.
7:55
I'm so sorry.
7:57
You didn't deserve that.
8:00
You are enough
8:02
and you are loved.
8:05
And she believed me.
8:08
I now know resilience isn't about toughness.
8:12
It's about tenderness.
8:14
It's about treating ourselves with compassion
8:17
and knowing deep in our bones that we are enough just as we are,
8:22
beyond our achievements or even our purpose.
8:27
I once thought healing meant fixing myself.
8:30
Now I know it means loving myself.
8:33
And this is so important
8:35
because the relationship we have with ourselves
8:38
shapes every other relationship in our lives,
8:43
both personally and professionally.
8:47
In a miraculous turn of events,
8:50
Embrace was saved.
8:52
As of this year, it's impacted over a million babies.
8:57
(Applause and cheers)
9:06
I'm so proud of this accomplishment,
9:09
but what I'm most proud of
9:12
is learning to embrace myself.
9:15
Thank you.
9:16
(Applause)
